HomeBlocksFront-GridChris Erskine: March Madness? March Sadness. Pass Me a Burger.

Chris Erskine: March Madness? March Sadness. Pass Me a Burger.

Random thoughts from the damaged mind of a man whose bracket just went up in flames:
• L.A. is the most Picasso place in the world — everyone sees something different.
• World’s best sound: “Play ball!”
• World’s worst sound: “Last call!”
• Mammoth and Tahoe look like the North Pole.
• Send sandbags now, Governor Gav.
• “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” — Billy Wilder
• The older we get, the less we worry.
• The older we get, the better our childhoods.
• Updated Final Four prediction: UCLA. Princeton. Tennessee. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
• FYI, California’s tax deadline has been further extended to Oct. 15, due to the storms.
• The bad news: Inflation will continue till further notice.
• Tired of “Ted Lasso”? Try “Shrinking” on Apple Plus (set in Pasadena).
• Warning: You’ll fall hard for Jessica Williams, the young actress who steals every scene.
• My definition of insanity: Figuring out the remotes at a rental house.
• And I’m having a rocky relationship with my car’s clock.
• L.A. has too much fussy food.
• But the burgers and margaritas make up for it.
• Hollywood needs a total _ (Makeover? Exorcism? Lobotomy?)
• I still don’t understand NFL “franchise tags.” And I probably never will.
• Loopy Bill Walton would make for an incredible Esquire profile, or “30 for 30.”
• Speaking of loopy, how about that Jamie Lee Curtis?
• Love her, but that ditzy movie broke my brain.
• Nurses and teachers are the only angels we have left.
• Well, most of them, anyway.
• I’ve hit every button on my dash. Still no clock.
• I’ve hit every button on these rental-house remotes. Still no TV.
• Yet, somehow I remain hopeful.
• Go Hogwarts!
• Trivia time: Which author has outsold everything except the Bible and the works of William Shakespeare? (answer below)
• The more a team dribbles, the less it wins. Just watch.
• FYI, Alexander Graham Bell found phones so annoying he refused to have one in his home.
• Tale of two cities: Office workers now turn up three days a week, but my gardener shows up in a cold rain.
• I’m not crying. Mother Nature is crying.
• Someone grab a towel.
• For the life of me, I can’t figure out why anyone would put vodka in a sauce.
• Or Princeton in the Final Four.
• L.A. Marathon suggestion: Start at Malibu and finish in Venice.
• The slumping NBA needs Charles Barkley as commissioner.
• My Yelp review of Hollywood: “Super frantic, out of touch, shows little regard for its customers.”
• No wait, that’s Washington.
• Actual National Park Service post: “If you hold a wild ermine up to your ear, you can hear what it’s like to be attacked by a wild ermine.”
• Maybe the Park Service should write for Showtime?
• “The two most important days in your life … the day you were born, and the day you find out why.” — Mark Twain
• This week’s musical rec: Throaty chanteuse Lizz Wright.
• This week’s food craving: The garlic chicken at Zankou.
• To me, the best sit-coms feature flawed characters you’d like to invite to dinner.
• Dear Tesla owners: You don’t have a spare tire. And the service wait will take up half your day.
• Me, I’m lucky to have an electric toothbrush.
• Best morning-show host name: Popper Harlow.
• Best bestseller: Mel Brooks’ memoir, as wildly entertaining as his brilliant comedies.
• But could “Blazing Saddles” get made today? Probably not.
• Same for “All in the Family.”
• “Gutfeld!” may be the most-painful show in the history of television.
• Trivia answer: Agatha Christie is the third bestseller of all time.
• Trivia question II: Where did California get its name? (answer below)
• March birthdays: Elton John, 76; Shaquille O’Neal, 51; Jessica Biel, 41; Lady Gaga, 37.
• Life is 80% fascination. And 20% laundry.
• “A failure is not always a mistake, it may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances. The real mistake is to stop trying.” (psychologist B.F. Skinner)
• First, I couldn’t bring myself to toss my old albums. Now I can’t toss my old CDs.
• And what about all my priceless coaching plaques?
• Now that would be a mistake.
• Trivia answer II (courtesy of my son Smartacus): California was named for a mythical island, full of female warriors, in a 16th century novel.
• Ironic, huh?
• And finally … as Kepler noted, the square of a planet’s orbital period is directly proportional to the cube of its average distance from the sun.
• As usual, God is in the details.
• And the proof is in the pudding.
• How it got there, no one knows.

Email the columnist at Letters@ChrisErskineLA.com. For books or past columns, please go to ChrisErskineLA.com.


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